A girl sneaks out to see a guy who makes her heart race... to everyone's disapproval. By Lauren Zaza.
My eyes snapped open at the obnoxious honking of ducks. For a moment I felt panicked; my sleep deprived mind couldn’t begin to fathom why a herd of birds would be waking me. When my eyes gazed upon my alarm, however, the sharp reality hit me; it was time to go to work.
I bolted upright to end the quacking, which I regretted as I promptly fell back down. My body had never felt so heavy; it was as if I suddenly gained 500 pounds. I struggled out of bed, feeling my eyes grow heavier and heavier as I put on my uniform for work. To say I felt exhausted would not do justice to my state. It felt like I hadn’t slept at all.
“Cutting it close, huh?” my mother asked as I entered the kitchen. She was my ride every Saturday morning to work.
“Morning, Mom,” I replied groggily, although it came out more grumpy than I intended. She looked up curiously.
“Did you not sleep well? You look so tired honey,” she replied, placing her tea down on the table to shift her focus. My mind suddenly went awry. Why was I so tired? Last night was just a normal night. I got home from work, escaped texting James, and then…It came back in a flash. Last night was not a normal night at all.
“Oh. No. I slept fine. I’m just.. tired is all,” I lied, realizing I’d been taking far too long to formulate a response to her simple question. My mother noticed this, raising an eyebrow then returning to her tea.
“Leaving in 5?” she asked, ignoring my questionable answer.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.” I mumbled out, grabbing a bagel which would have to suffice as my breakfast. I brought it to my room to escape her judging presence. Last night came flooding back: Will. Kissing Will. I kissed Will. I remember the thrill, but in my current state the same excitement wasn’t present. I no longer felt unstoppable, or like I was on top of the world. How could I do that to James? A notification interrupted my stream of thought.
James: Hope you have a great day at work baby!<3 I know you told me to stop waking up early to say that but I want you to be in a good mood today :) love you!
I was crushed by the sudden guilt. Before I could begin to process my emotions, my mom called from downstairs.
“You ready?” she yelled, her voice muffled through the ceiling.
“Coming!” I called down to her, while making my way downstairs.
On the ride to work, the silence was unbearable. I was sure she could tell something was up; our morning rides weren’t usually so quiet. But she said nothing, ignoring the tension that was eating me alive. When we arrived, I eagerly opened my door.
“Thanks for the ride, love you,” I said, escaping.
I headed inside Tim Hortons, nodding my hello to Lynda behind the counter. I threw my stuff in my locker, frantically tied up my hair, and clocked in. Thankfully, it was 6am and no one was up for conversation. On most days I got so bored with this unspoken rule, but today I was grateful for it. The first few hours I worked mindlessly, all the while thinking of what I’d done. I played the story over and over in my head, trying to picture an ending where I wasn’t in the wrong. But that didn’t exist. Those pieces didn’t fit into the puzzle of what I’d done.
“My Zaza!!!!” Carlos yelled as he entered the store hours later. His boisterous voice startled me and every customer in the lobby. I couldn’t help but smile, for once appreciating his teasing.
“Hi Carlos,” I replied when he made his way inside. “Long time no see.”
“That's okay, I wish longer. Maybe next time a year? That would be much better than 12 hours,” he laughed. Then his face changed as he focused in on mine. “Zaza, why you look terrible? Like more than usual, I mean.” I rolled my eyes, used to his antics.
“I..” I stopped. “Uh.. something happened last night. Or this morning. That’s irrelevant. It wasn’t good. I think I made a mistake,” I stuttered out.
“Well of course, my Zaza. You make a lot of those. What this time?” Carlos said, intrigued.
“You know James?” I said, knowing I’ve told Carlos basically everything about my life.
“Yes, yes. What did you do, Zaza?” He asked, waving me on to continue the story.
“ I think I….I… cheated on him.” It was the first time I said the words out loud. “I went out with Will, you remember him right? And then I kissed him, at the end of the night.”
“Oh Zaza, that is nothing. I do all the time,“ Carlos said, seemingly annoyed I didn’t have a better story. “Nothing wrong. Do not tell James and you are fine.”
“Really? You’re sure?” I questioned. This seemed off to me, but I’d known Carlos for a year now. He was older, and far more experienced with relationships than me. Surely he knew better.
“Of course, yes. You are upset over nothing.” he said, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
I believed him. Or at least I told myself I did. I forced his pieces into my puzzle, trying to ignore their jagged fit. However, as the day went on it got harder and harder to ignore. I still smelled Will on me from the night before. Whenever my mind managed to deviate, the smell brought me back to my mistake. Suffocating me. Carlos could tell I was still absent, but dismissed my worries.
“I am always right, Zaza. You are okay. Nothing wrong.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe I would be okay.
***
“You cheated on your boyfriend?!”
At work, Carlos’ words had been comforting, and they’d given me hope that maybe I wasn’t a terrible girlfriend. My sister, however, was not sharing his optimistic view. As I was explaining the happenings of last night, she was less impressed with my actions.
“Kind of..? We weren’t really dating, were we? I don’t know. It’s only been two weeks, we’re not even, like, official,” I justified, wanting to believe myself.
“Does he know that?” Jessica demanded. She looked disappointed in me; it was understandable, but hurt nonetheless. “And fucking Will? Will who has been accused of rape? I literally warned you to stay away from him!”
“He’s not dangerous!” I argued. “ We actually had a great time. Look at me. Not raped.”
“Have you told James?” exclaimed Jessica. “You know, your boyfriend?”
“Only for two weeks!” I insisted, as if that really made a difference. “And no, I haven’t. I don’t think I should, like, don’t you remember how upset he was when we broke up two years ago?”
“Exactly why you shouldn’t have got back together.” She rolled her eyes. “But you can’t keep this from him. Knowing you, it’ll eat you alive.”
I sighed, hating it when she was right. “You’re right.”
I had to tell him.
***
James: What do you mean we need to talk? Is everything okay?
The urge to back out was tempting. I knew he would be upset; he’s upset at even the idea that something is wrong. It would break him, shattering his heart that I swore I would keep safe. My eyes started to water. I’d never felt so disappointed in myself. Why would I want to cause him more pain than he needed to bear? Except, I had to. If not for him, then for me. I knew I had to be honest, putting myself first for the last time.
Me: No, everything is not okay. Can I meet you tomorrow at lunch?
That was to put it lightly. Everything felt so far away from okay; okay seemed like an unreachable destination for me at this point. As my message turned to read, I could feel the tension through the screen. I saw James was typing until he stopped. Then started again. And stopped again. He was always bad with words, and I could tell it was hard for him to deal with this omen of conflict.
James: Oh, of course. I hope you’re okay. I love you
My heart broke. I knew it was the last time I would hear those words from him, and felt unworthy of them even now. I didn’t notice the tears until they were falling down my cheeks onto my fingers that were frantically dancing across my phone screen trying to formulate a response.
Me: See you then
That was the best I could come up with. Because I wasn’t okay. And I didn’t love him. It sucked that I couldn’t have come to that conclusion without cheating on him. I saw my message turn to read once again, and felt his hurt. I sobbed, for the first time since I was a child. With no mother to comfort me, telling me that I’d be okay.
Maybe I wouldn’t be okay.
***
I’d never felt more anxious than when the bell rang for lunch that day. My stomach was eating itself alive. This was worse than any class presentation I’d ever prepared for. I walked through the halls and arrived at our spot, seeing him already standing there.
“Hey,” I said, walking up to him.
“Hey, what’s up?” James asked, his forehead creasing in concern.
“Let’s sit down.”
We found a spot in the field and I unloaded, telling him everything. I’ve never said the word ‘sorry’ so many times in the span of five minutes. I apologized profusely, explaining how he deserves better and this had to end. I’d been avoiding his gaze throughout this, and finally looked to him when my meticulous explanation was over.
“Well, I forgive you.” he said, “ And I don’t think we have to break up.”
“What?” I was taken aback, expecting more of an angry response. “I think we should. Aren’t you, like, mad? I cheated on you, if I need to emphasize that part again.”
“I know, but I still love you. I wish I didn’t, but that’s not the case. Obviously I’m hurt, but… we can find a way around this! It doesn’t have to be like, the end,” he said, jumbling his words together as if any of this made sense.
“I feel like it should be,” I said, my gaze shifting back to the ground. “I’m sorry, James.”
“Is it Will? I can be more like him,” James insisted.
“I don’t want you to change for me.” I said, returning to his gaze. His eyes were filled with desperation; I could tell he was holding back his heartbreak. Looking into them I felt helpless.
“I don’t want you to leave me,” he said, his voice breaking. There was silence for a moment until he collected himself. “I wish I could be mad at you right now, but I care about you too much at this point. We can sort this out. I know we can. We survived two years apart and still found our way back to each other. ”
“We can’t sort this out. I’m sorry. This is the end.”
That’s what I wish I said.
***